Ghost in the Graveyard

I think it must be a strange time because tonight I looked down at my plate of ravioli and asparagus and thought I’m going to die – not because of the food at all but because I could not imagine myself living beyond that moment, or this moment, broadly. once when I was fifteen this girl Jackie read my palm and said there will be a moment when you will either die or not die. if you die, you will be dead very young; if you do not die, you will live to be very old. and somehow I have this feeling like I made a choice somewhere along the line and it was the wrong choice and now I’m going to die, because whatever life I’m living is not cosmically sustainable, and so now I’m waiting to either get to the living or suddenly expire, because somewhere along the line I made a choice and that choice meant early death so as long as I exist, the universe is all out of order. my death would really be a correction. which is not to say I want to die – I don’t. I just can’t imagine living, not a year from now, not ten years from now. a few years ago I came across a description of a neurological disorder wherein the victim believes him or herself to be actually dead, but not exactly a ghost or anything. it’s a peculiar disorder, and at the time it seemed far fetched, but not today. not so unusual today. have you ever felt like this? did you make it go away? I would like for it to go away please.