afterlife

I had an imaginary near death experience last night. imaginary, because I'm pretty sure I wasn't so near death, that it was the grogginess of sleep and the remnants of dreams I can't remember that brought me the dread.

it's that I woke up, twice, my whole body shaking, my heart racing in the way that you can feel it pushing blood in all the big arteries. I couldn't think, except to think what was happening to me. in front of my eyes I could only see an amorphous red light. the second time I woke up I stayed awake until the shaking stopped and opened my blinds -- hoping that the light from the street would undo the red light, which it did. I kept thinking, I don't want to die. how silly is that? pretty silly. still, at zero o'clock in the morning, we're hardly responsible for reason.

this morning when I woke up, the first thing I thought was, I didn't die last night. and I was glad. and today I've felt very grateful, and alert, and a little like the grinch whose heart grows so many times in his chest.

and all the whos in whoville felt joy.