like flowers, but not

I'm not going to lie. pleurisy hurts. today it feels a bit like I've spent 24 consecutive hours having been pelted by large stones in the exact same place over and over again. I'm sick enough of fuzzyhead too to have stopped taking vicadin for a while. last night I carried on a conversation with D. for almost an hour, and I remember now we talked about aristotle and "meat" in different languages, but frankly the memory of it kinda feels a little like a tristan tzara experiment. and what a shame too, since I think I'd like a clear remembrance of a conversation about aristotle and meat.

back to the doctor for me for now. more later.

overheard

"nations dogs dangerously underpetted, say nations dogs."

"no he didn't mean that! if he'd meant that, he would have used words that meant that!"

"after clinging to their foreclosed chicken ranch for two years, two women gave up the fight and killed themselves and all their pets just before the marshals seized the property" (adapted from A,W,P).

we concede now "a history of ability for a history of volition."

Per Aspera ad Astra

ad astra per et cetera.

here at the quiet limit of the world

it's over. the relationship I mean. at least in its proper form. it feels a little right now like I've just watched a/my severely crippled child die, something to grieve and grieve hard, but at least she's out of pain and everything else they say about that kind of thing. but then, I think, maybe the relationship had to die so that he and I could live, and live in each other's lives in a more (not less) meaningful, if ill/un-defined way, and more meaningful for that lack of definition. because now there's no fear (this was my fear) and no artificial obligation, only a history and affection that touches a kind of transcendency.

still, I'm deeply sad. it's been ages since I've felt this sad. but when I have my moments of breaking through the sadness I feel still and calm and consoled a little by the fact that, in a time where I feel more lost than maybe I ever have, I was still willing to risk the one thing that meant everything to me, and willing to risk it for its own sake. and that's not nothing.