here at the quiet limit of the world

it's over. the relationship I mean. at least in its proper form. it feels a little right now like I've just watched a/my severely crippled child die, something to grieve and grieve hard, but at least she's out of pain and everything else they say about that kind of thing. but then, I think, maybe the relationship had to die so that he and I could live, and live in each other's lives in a more (not less) meaningful, if ill/un-defined way, and more meaningful for that lack of definition. because now there's no fear (this was my fear) and no artificial obligation, only a history and affection that touches a kind of transcendency.

still, I'm deeply sad. it's been ages since I've felt this sad. but when I have my moments of breaking through the sadness I feel still and calm and consoled a little by the fact that, in a time where I feel more lost than maybe I ever have, I was still willing to risk the one thing that meant everything to me, and willing to risk it for its own sake. and that's not nothing.