sands.

hourglass.

poof.

man, i am one tired cookie.

couplets from ikkyu:

poetry's hellish bullshit one good way to suffer men love it
men stupid as horses cows

raining or not
walk lifting your heavy wet sleeves

fuck flattery success money
all I do is lie back suck my thumb

my gray cat jumped up just as I lifted this spoon
we're born we die

hear the cruel no-answer until blood drips down
beat your head against the wall of it

you can't be anyone but you
therefore you are that Other one you love

thirsty you dream of water cold you want fire
not me I want the firm warm breasts and wetness of a woman

frogs at the bottom of a well like you idiot
thrashing in mud laughable so very very right

don't wait for the man standing in the snow
to cut off his arm help him now

I'm whole as long as I hear you singing
then emptiness when you stop

and the nights inside you rocking
smelling the odor of your thighs is everything

you stand inside me naked infinite love
the dawn bell rips my dreaming heart

nobody knows I'm a storm I'm
dawn on the mountain twilight on the town

no words sitting alone night in my hut eyes closed hands open
wisps of an unknown face

i woke up this morning with the taste of the first few days of fall in my mouth. but it's not fall and not spring really and i knew, as one knows these things, that being in love had settled on me in my sleep and would not lift maybe ever but certainly not until after breakfast. there was no sun this morning, but i lay in the grey light in all that calm, wondering if it wasn't better to have the boy so far away because i think such a feeling might be impossible to manifest, and if he were here i would be compelled to convey the taste in my mouth as evidence of great love, and how can you do that without opening your mouth, saying here, here is my love for you i can taste it and it is new weather grey light and pine breeze voice in a forgotten painting

man oh man. so my blog plan for today was to get back on the list train, the topic of which being top ten things that have caused me anxiety in the past 5 days, spawned by a repremanding horoscope that said, stop all that worrying you nut! it ain't gonna happen! you'll be fine! your manager is not trying to kill you, the back pain is just stress, not a kidney stone, you're not going to starve, your boyfriend is not going to fall for a blonde hemp wearing physicist, your new roomate is not actually a con artist just posing as a roomate until she gets your security deposit and skips town, etc. etc.

but, as you might imagine, the list was kinda freaky and depressing. i've said this before: if it weren't for my wacked out imagination, i could never be a writer, and if my imagination was not just a little disturbed, i could not be a very interesting one. that said, sometimes i let it go too far in terms of considering my own life. the horoscope, however little i like to own up to believing in those things, might have had a point.

enough of worry! time for yogic breathing! blueberry muffins! blankets and tea! i'm surrendering to the good life, embracing a new world with pleasant imaginings.

at least until manuscript deadline approaches. then black mask it is.

late night news report: an armed man attempts to rob a convenience store wearing a black face mask with no eye holes. the store owner snuck away from the man and called the police. suspect apprehended.

i love people.

it has come to my attention that arizona has rats the size of cats that hang from trees. a prarie dog, bitten by a rat, becomes infected with unique african pox. in turn infects human being. 18 confirmed cases on the west coast. now called monkey pox. monkey pox. they should call it rat pox.

"Yesterday I woke up swallowing
A rat. Or trying to swallow
A rat. Some things are too large
To intend gracefully."

so she says. I went swimming today. I thought: swimming! it's like jogging in water! which i guess it might be but jogging just don't hurt like that. and if jogging kicks your ass you can walk. sadly, walking a lap in the pool just ain't acceptable. and i know lifeguards are probably a good thing, but today they just felt like witnesses to my drenched humiliation.

speaking of witnesses, all ye readers be mine. by end of june, i will swim 6 laps and/or 30 minutes in the pool. by the end of summer, I will swim ten laps and/or 45 minutes. an hour would rule but i'm going to be reasonable. add to that regular in-house-tv stretching (it's how one justifies watching oprah in the afternoon -- with deep breathing and cat stretches) and weights and jogging.

if i fail, you are all authorized to come after me with big sticks.